Find Love Now

Michelle Hoffmann is an international bestselling author of three books, Life Worth Living, the new management blueprint, and Find Love Now. She shares her story of how she pulled herself up out of the ashes of grief after the loss of her husband and how she supported a friend through her husband’s death. She was inspired by Guy Kawasaki, the branding guru, to write a book. Michelle helps people find, keep, and enjoy the right love in their lives. 

Talking Points:

{08:05} It isn’t about loss; it is about love and relationships.

{10:00} Attracting the right kind of love.

{13:05} The changing world of dating

{22:50} Avoiding dating traps.

{24:22} Dating in a modern society

{32:36} Seeing Red Flags 

Resources and Links:

• Website: http://theartofrelationshipping.com
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/michellebroslerhoffmann
• Book: http://theartofrelationshipping.com/resources

Connect with Tom Finn

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Welcome to the Town Empowerment Podcast where we support transformation and share the great stories of leaders of all backgrounds so you can borrow their vision, their tools, and their tactics to lift up your organization, your teams, and your community. I am your host, the real Tom Finn. And on the show today, we have my good friend Michelle Hoffmann.

Michelle, welcome to the show.

Thank you very much for having Me... The real Tom Finn.

Oh, we are so excited to have you, me, and all of my multiple personalities. And if you don't, if you don't know Michelle, you are going to have a great time on this show today. And I'll tell you Why.  Michelle is an international bestselling author of a couple of books Life Worth living, the new management blueprint, and Find Love Now; let me say that again. Find love now.

Michelle, my friend, is a relationship expert. She is going to share the secrets of how to create magnetic and mag… Magnetic and powerful interpersonal connections improve our personal life and our professional success. Through an art of relationship thing, which we're going to get right into if you want to know about her prior stuff, she had a corporate career in improving organizations and relationships, and she did work as a portfolio manager, business development director, and did some work as a social scientist at Stanford University.

So, lots of cool things in her past. But we are here, for the relationship version of Michelle Hoffmann. So, Michelle, Let's start out with one that we have talked about, but everybody else needs to be let in on the secret.  I understand that you were inspired to write your books by Guy Kawasaki.

The branding guru of the world, yes, this is very true. I found myself in a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about the importance of messages. That I've been sending and how much I've been helping people or people are telling me that I'm helping them. And you know, these are some pretty prestigious and influential people who are saying, Michelle, you really need to write a book.

So, I was talking with my friend Beth, and Beth said, well, maybe you should talk with my husband. And I'm like who? OK. Wait. And she said my husband's written a lot of books, and I Said Beth, Well, who is your husband? And you looked at me like you don't know. And I'm like, well, that's not actually how I choose my friends. And she said my Husband is Guy Kawasaki and I'm Like the guy who evangelized Apple computer with Steve Jobs. The branding guru?  And she's like, well, yeah.

So, we're sitting down at the breakfast table one morning in Capitola, and Beth and Guy are having a conversation, and I'm telling them some stories just about what was going on in my life and my resilience, and my ability to pull life together, after a major life change, and in this case, it was the loss of my husband and how I pulled myself up out of the ashes of grief that just. You know it is a burnt landscape when you've gone through major grief, a major loss or maybe you know, other situations could have been a major divorce, life change of any kind, developmental stages through life. Move any of those big life changes.

And what I did was I figured out how to pull things together based on all of my professional experience, and then I did that for my children. And then a friend of mine went out for a run, whom I used to go running with. And he had a heart attack and died. And I thought, oh, my God, I don't know what to do. And I realized, Oh my God, I actually do know what to do and I can’t do nothing.

So, I went to his widow and said this is never going to be OK. I'm going to hold your hand and walk this journey with you. Let's project manage this thing. And did and helped her family. Pulled together and then all the people in my community and then this is where we stepped into this story. We're saying can you go help them? Can you go help them? Can you go help them? And I'm like, well, yes, I can. And I need to find a new job. To support my life.

And so, I'm telling this story to Guy Kawasaki, and he points. His finger at Me and he says that's your book. Write the book. And when Guy Kawasaki points his finger at you and says, write the book.

You write the book. You write the book.

And of course, on that drive home, I was thinking, oh, gut punch. Why didn't I tell Guy Kawasaki I wanted to write a book about amazing food and orgasms? I've enjoyed all over the world and I'm like, oh, that was not actually my life experience, and the life worth living is my life experience.

So, I wrote the book. There's a forward in there from both Guy and Beth Kawasaki. And how inspirational that book is. And how is it really the guide I did not have? It became an international bestseller. People were reaching out to me from all over the world. You helped me through it. Well, yes, yes, of course, I can.

What happened after that was quite magical. I was doing business. Consulting previously and all the people that I Had helped with their career development and success were like congratulations. That book's amazing. When you are going to write the book, we want you to write. So, this is my love letter to them. The new management blueprint.

So, then I had professional people coming to me for business consulting more because they're like this is exactly what we need. Everyone was saying that the way that I approach everything is all about relationships and what everyone was asking for more than anything else. In addition to all of the professional success they are having on a personal side, they were inviting me to help them attract, keep, and enjoy the right love in their lives, and they were missing the peace of how you select the right person and they're missing the piece of how you navigate obstacles and relationships and trust yourself to do that.

And so that's why most recently, this one's not yet in print. My publisher hasn't printed it yet. That's where I came up with the find love now series, and that's where I'm focusing a lot of my attention, but it was certainly Guy Kawasaki with the very pointed direction of this, is your future because everyone needs you, Michelle, and I love helping people find, navigate, and enjoy the right love in their lives now?

What an amazing background story. And it's so apropos for what we talk about on this show, which is taking those challenges in life for those perceived moments of pain and difficulty. And we all have them. And they come in different forms at different times within our own history.

But you took that time from being a widow to supporting other people through that process and ultimately being able to help others, and then write the book on how to help others, which spreads more wildfire. And now, and I think this is really important, cause this discussion today isn't about loss. This discussion today is about love and relationships, yeah.

That's fair. You gave me chills on that one because that's just it. We all experience loss, even if it's just normal, healthy developmental growth. We're losing our childhood. We're losing. What we used to be, we're using who we used to be. And we are what? We forget if we're also gaining. Whom we get to become. We are given an opportunity to develop whom we'd like to step into becoming. And that you can influence some of that. By making the right choices.

Did you ever think you'd be an author when you were younger?

Well, you know what, I would have said no. And just as you said that in first grade, I won a Newberry award for something that I wrote that I had forgotten until you just inspired it. Because I just got the memory of that and I was, you know, a big assembly. And they awarded me a book with a good big gold Newberry Medal on it. But I never thought of myself as an author, but wow, you just gave me a. Flashback of every there.

I'm glad I brought back some good memories. What you said was really important and I want people to hear it. That's what you said was, and I'm paraphrasing here. You can step into the person you want to become. You don't have to let your past define you, and you don't have to let all of your experiences define your adulthood, for example.

So, you have to step into that new person, that new version of yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself. And if you haven't written that down yet and you haven't sort of highlighted what you want to be when you grow up. I tend to do it every few years. I sort of define who I want to be when I grow up. I think that can be really helpful for people as they're thinking about themselves and of course, our best version of ourselves, I would think, attracts the right love.

Absolutely yes. The hard part that I find people have been that we think we're relationship ready. We think we're the best version we possibly can be of ourselves. And we think that that is. We got this; we got it going on but… the dating rules of engagement have changed, and the reality is that you want to make sure that you're the best version of yourself because you want to show who you genuinely are. And invite someone in to fall in love with the authentic you.

Here's where the challenge is if You've never had a really wonderful role model for relationships. If you find yourself running into repeated negative relationship patterns, then that's a very clear signal to reach out to someone like me to get some support and help in that, because what's happening is you may not have the tools, you may not have the knowledge of how to navigate obstacles in relationships or how to attract the right person.

And if you don't know what true love feels like because you didn't have it modeled for you or you don't know how to go about finding the right person because it hasn't happened so far, then my recommendation is to find someone who can help walk you on that journey. Just like if you want to learn a skill you would go to a school and get a teacher. If you want to hone your sports or athletics you would, you know, get a coach or a trainer.

So, it's very, very similar because there are a set of clear skills that are required to achieve those really amazing relationships, jena se qua what are those people walking on the beach holding hands? Why don't I have any kind of relationship?

so, if you've never known that walking on air, cotton candy kind of love, or maybe you've loved and they haven't loved you back, that's not it. So, what I say is you don't always know when it's. Wrong, but you. Always know when it's right and you can see everyone can see when other people have that amazing connection and love, but it's hard if you haven't felt it and you don't know. How to get it? It's hard to fabricate that knowledge from just air.

And dating is so different now than it was, you know, even a decade ago or two decades ago, right? And as you, as you go through this process. You've got to be thinking about what's the now and the how.

So, what are the differences between what's going on in relationship management Today and for those of you out there, we're not talking about business stuff we're talking about love!

Love Actually is very interesting because it's all related to business stuff. So professional relationships and personal relationships when we're talking about love. All relationships follow the same pattern from chemistry to casual to committed, and I can demonstrate that very easily.

Because let’s just say through the law of attraction. And that's like the science of two cells connecting together and then creating something. Else, hydrogen doesn't lose its proper Fees and oxygen doesn't lose its properties when it comes together and creates water, so you 2 hydrogens on oxygen you get water.

So, when cells come together, it's a scientific thing and the same thing is happening. I don't know if it's hydrogen and oxygen, but it's certainly your chemistry that changes when you connect with somebody. Who's very attractive and exciting to you? And during this chemistry phase, amazing things happen.

But I'm going to just step back half, step back to compare how professional and personal relationship things parallel one another because I'll do that very simply and then we'll move through the cycle. If you were in today's day. If you decide to do online dating instead of in-person dating, you will develop an online profile. People have an idea of what that is. It's a little bit about your likes and dislikes, what you're looking for, and some pictures.

Big of me from 10 years ago. Right. With somebody else's body. Right. Is that how you do it?

That is how some people attempt to do it. But just as I was saying earlier, if you're not representing the genuine you, then how can someone fall in love with the authentic, genuine you? So rather than trying to just be the sparkly object that will get a lot of attention, be your genuine self, put your best foot forward, and be your genuine self. And attract someone who is going to be attracted to you, and whom you find interesting and interested.

Can you give us an example of what that persona might look like that is authentic to you?

It is who you truly are. OK. I'll give you an example. So again, I want to finish this other thought and that is we all understand how to put a resume or a CV together to attract the right position in the right company. When you're developing a personal profile. I call it. So that's not just an online Profile, but it's an understanding of who you are. Three dimensions of who you truly are so that you understand where you fit in the world. And who you want to become in the world and whatever your dating skills are in the world.

So, if people are putting together a profile, I'll give you some real-life examples of profiles that I've helped people with. One amazing woman, very talented, and full of life. Experience knows many languages and the second line in her online profile said I kick out cockroaches. And I'm like, really. You have 110th of a second to make an impression. Is that really who you truly are? Because I know you. And that's not who you are.

So, we changed her profile and magically the people who were attracted to her were more in line with who she is and what she's interested in inviting into her life, another very high-level executive travels. The world stays in the nicest hotels, eats at Michelin-star restaurants, and is a wine connoisseur. But her profile said, I like to travel, eat good food and. Drink wine and. Like what is that? You're what I did last summer, a 3rd-grade essay. You are so much. More robust than those comments.

So, I said, what if we just adjusted? A little bit to Reflect on the type of travel you are enjoying. And the type of places you stay in. And then I said let's add something like when I read the wine list at a Michelin-star restaurant, I am transported to the heated vineyards of Bordeaux, and voila. Now she and her boyfriend are enjoying $450 bottles of wine on a Tuesday. Because she found someone interested in the same things that she's interested in, they have similar value systems in that regard.

When I'm helping people to figure out… who are they? They're to develop their personal profile. That's genuine and accurate and authentic to represent themselves in a way that will attract the right people. There are three steps that I follow.

The first one is to understand where you're at in what I call the lifeline of your relationship. This is where you are in life and what you want for the rest of your life. And you don't have to know every detail, but generally, the reason this is important is that oftentimes people will look for someone who would have been appropriate for them… Historically. And I don't mean this lifeline to be chronologically specific but developmentally specific.

So, when you're I'm going to say younger or at an earlier stage of dating, you may be interested in a friend or someone to go do stuff with, and at some point, that organically shifts because you want someone to partner with and that organically could potentially grow into an area where you're growing your careers parallel to one another or supporting one another. You might then want to, you know, create a family together, a home together. And then at some point in this lifeline, you might just be looking for a companion to share adventures with. So where are you actually at in that? And then you want to find someone who's at a similar intersection so that you're looking for the same things in life that make It easy to have this relationship.

The next step is to look for somebody who's got complementary core values and the core values that I'm talking about are things like the priorities you have in life are family, is it adventure? Is it a sense of humor? Is it integrity, teamwork, accountability, or responsibility? Is it your faith? Is it love? Is it? You know, you've probably got, you know, 5 to 10 primary core values that you walk into every situation and that determines to set the boundaries for how you make decisions. And if you're making decisions in a way that doesn't have to be exact, and that's similar to your partners, then the choices that you're making are in alignment. That, again, makes the relationship so much easier and fun because you have a similar priority set.

Then the third tier, which unfortunately people use the third tier as their only set of parameters to make decisions that would be faith, family, fitness, intellect, and career choices. You know those types of geographic things. So, when you're looking for those first, you don't always have the primary priorities and core values in place. And then relationships fall out of alignment very easily or people say it's really hard. Relationships are hard when you're only looking for the superficial in a partner. So, there's that. Where else did we go with that? You had opened up? A bunch of questions for me.

Well, let me See if I can just take a moment here to pause because that was a ton of great information.

So, as we Think about this. There are three different layers, the last one being superficial, the middle one really being about your core value. And the first one is where we would all think to start, which is where are we in our life cycle and what is the type of person stylistically, we're looking for based on where we are in our life cycle.

Some people might call that age, but it's different for different people, I would imagine because there are different maturity levels. Based on different ages, I mean I remember when I was 12 years old, people would say like oh it Seems like you're an 18-year-old. You're so mature, right? Or, you know, and I had buddies that went the other way, that they were, you know when they were 18 you might have thought they were 13. In the way that they acted right and all the way up into our 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s, right? It's not unique to the younger generation.

So how do you start with that first one, based on your age. How do I get grounded? I'm 30, and I want to get married. I'm driving. Towards this, because my mom got married and my sisters married, and my older brother is getting married, and I've got to get married cause everybody says I. Should that be? Like, how do we avoid that trap?

Right, exactly. Well, we avoid that trap. They understand again, this person developing a personal profile is really the way to avoid that being a trap because just because everyone else is doing it or you've gotten on the escalator ride and you've been seeing this Person for a certain amount of time, and then there's an expectation culturally that you will up level the relationship socially, and that's not a requirement. It depends on what's happening in the relationship. That sets the tone for that, you are defining this more as a trap just because everyone else is doing it.

Well, the way that I was thinking About it is that I feel like there's social pressure… Within our societies that tells us that we need to get married. And in relationships, as you said, use the word level up. Once you've been dating for a certain number of years, the expectations from friends and family are that you will legally bind by signing a piece of paper, and that's how you're going to commit to each other.

So, I wonder if people feel like that's the only option. Or if perhaps there are other options in modern society.

Well, you just hit the word right there. This is a modern society and if you want to look back into the history of why partnerships and relationships were happening, many partnerships and relationships and marriages occurred for the betterment of the country. You know, if you're partnering for royalty, you're really then forming allies. If you're partnering for, you know, if you're not a royal, you could also be partnering for your own alliances or for safety reasons throughout history to be represented in society.

So, there were different reasons through time to connect and form those types of traditional official formal types of relationships that are signed and sealed legally. Modern-day relationships have changed in such a way that those traditions still hold their same value. Value and security go along with them at the same time. What's really happening here too often based on divorce statistics, for example, is that people feel obligated to follow a traditional path, but they're not necessarily partnering with the right person with the right, you know, aligned goals in life to make that partnership.

So, the partnership may last a little while. It may help with short-term goals. But it's not necessarily going to be a long-term relationship. And for those people who aren't looking for stepping stones to relationships. Putting the stepping stones in place before you make that connection. Helps to increase the success of long-term, lifelong, loving relationships.

And then there's a feeling I'm talking about as a feeling because this is what keeps coming back to me and in feedback that I get from my clients who are like I never had this feeling, it was never role modeled for me before and I never knew what it was. So, I didn't always know when it was wrong. I did what I was supposed to do to be a good girl or a good boy or to be honorable.

So, we do what we think is right. But it's not necessarily what we truly know in our heart of hearts of what? Should be had. So again, when you put the process in place to align the relationship in the right order, you have a better chance of success based on the foundation that's been built. I'm going to use the example of an arranged marriage for you.

There are many cultures that arrange marriages. And they've done incredible research. Search into the families' histories. They really do a lot of work to put this couple together and it is very exciting. This is a great way for me to segue forward into what are the different cycles in relationships, both personal and professional.

So even if you're starting. At the commitment phase of a relationship. How exciting must it be when your whole family, your whole community, is gathering together to support you? To say this is the right person for you. And we've done the research to set it up for success? And you may not even meet this person until you're at the altar, which is like whoa this. Is a significant life commitment. And then we're going to go from chemistry to casual to commitment, but even then, even with the relationship starting in the commitment phase, you still need to go through from chemistry to casual to committed.

So, in that case. You're here. It's exciting, and that brings you forward into the chemistry phase of the relationship where it changes the chemistry of your body, and your hormones are released, and you've got a serotonin and dopamine rush. Oxytocin is the cuddle drug that invites you to this happy, loving care and sharing of an experience. It's this euphoria, like eating too much chocolate. It's so exciting that sometimes you can't focus on anything else other than, you know, thinking about this person that you're getting closer to and learning more about.

If your phone dings, it's like that is my person who might be thinking about me because I'm thinking about them. It's just delicious and we want to stay in the chemistry phase as long as possible because it's so good. It's all so, so good to be deep in that relationship. Moving into the casual phase of the relationship and repeated experiences in the chemistry phase will naturally pull us forward into the casual phase of a relationship. In this phase of the relationship, this is when we get to look forward to things and we can anticipate what will happen next. We as mammals love being able to anticipate a good experience and living it again. That's why we choose our favorite foods at our favorite restaurants. Because we have an idea of what the experience and the sensual stimulation are going to be about. This is why we love to listen to our favorite songs over and over again because we can anticipate the high notes and enjoy, you know, the whole experience.

So, the same thing happens when you're looking forward to that kiss from somebody that you adore; who adores you.

There's another thing that happens in the casual Phase of a relationship and this is where we decide if we're going to stay in it or things. Are so far out of alignment that there is a red flag deal breaker that says. This is something I need to distance myself from and that could be any reason that the value systems are not in alignment and that this person has not represented themselves accurately. You know, whatever that causes. Is that you're like this is a deal breaker or a yellow flag I call it an opportunity to Ask some extra questions to gain clarity Is this a deal breaker or is this a green light? Go and when you clear some of those things and you want to continue this relationship, that's what pushes you forward into the commitment phase of the relationship. The commitment phase is very quick. Does it go something like would you like to go out again?

And when you both agree, then that catapults you forward into the chemistry phase of the relationship, because you've both changed. You're now two individuals who are interested in one another and curious enough to learn some more. That's from chemistry to casual to committed. So that's how that cycle works.

Can we talk about the flags for a second? Because I think a lot of us resonate right, we talk to our friends casually and we Say hey, wasn't that a red flag? Wasn't that something you should have been aware of 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago?

And I think this flagging is something that we tend to ignore in certain relationships. Or perhaps we overestimate it or underestimate it, right? Because it could be a no big deal. But we thought it was a huge deal right?

It could be a huge, monumental deal breaker, but we. But you know everything else kind of lines up. Let's just sweep that one under the rug. So how as humans in finding love and building relationships with partners like how do we flag things appropriately without making a mistake?

Very good question. So, here's the litmus test.

When and I mean you ask yourself this question on a regular basis. Do you want to be in a relationship? The answer is typical, yes. Do you want to be in a relationship with this person? And if there's hesitation that is an indicator to me that, oh, OK, we need to clear some things.

So, for example. Remember, you've just gone through the chemistry phase. You are high as a kite, excited about the connectivity of this and the possibility of this relationship. So, your hormones may be clouding your decision-making at this moment. And if you feel like you're compromising yourself or you're settling or you're just, you know, letting things go. That's going to be a yellow flag to get clarity on something.

And that's if you've gotten to this point in the relationship and that's where you want to make sure that again, where you're at and the lifeline of your relationship arc, it has an intersection with this person. And very importantly, do your core values line up if you're seeking a partnership with someone outside of your core value system? That, to me, is a red flag. It's a big red flag. Because they are going to behave in a way that does not represent you or your belief system. Your core values and that's going to cause you to issue either immediately or well down the line.

So, it's important. To get clarity on those things. Before you move to the “the green light go” commitment phase. And those things will come up over time. What I encourage people to do is look for what's right in their relationship. Before you start to look for what's wrong in the relationship, I say that because I alluded to this earlier, people will look for superficial things first. Is he tall enough? Is she pretty enough? Is he wealthy enough? Does she? Whatever enough to, you know, and those kinds of things. They're like a thermometer, not a thermostat, so they're not going to regulate. So yeah, it might be fun to go out with somebody who has these kinds of superficial qualities, but you're falling for superficial things. So, somebody who's so attractive. Or so wealthy. Or, you know, they're going to get really bored. With people only being attracted to their wealth, their fame, their name, there you know, and it doesn't hold enough validity to it.

So, they'll see through that and then the relationship again will be out of alignment because looks come and go. Money comes and goes. Age just goes. It's really what is truly important in the moment of truth, that's what we need to look at.

You know, so I couldn't agree more. And I love this idea of core values. It's something that I had to personally explore myself as I sort of grew up a little bit and I had to realize that my core values were not lining up with some of the people I was dating. And I had some very specific things that were super important to me. Like for example just basic trust. You know, trust is one that's big for me. Communication is another one of my core values. Fiscal responsibility is another one of my core values. I also love to travel. I love to eat; I love to entertain. I love people. Right.

And I realize that even though those seem a little out there, maybe they're not a value, it's not, you know, religion or something that I can really hold on to. They matter, right? They also really matter. And so, for me, when I thought about trust, communication, fiscal responsibility, travel, food, art, culture, people, kindness, you know, giving a, giving heart, you know, those types of things, it completely shifted the types of people I was dating. And the types of people that I was interested in.

And what happened? And I think we haven't talked about this, but I think you would tell me this is a good idea, are you? It eliminated a whole group of people. Fast so fast.

And some of you know, physically they might have been beautiful, but. They didn't match. What I was looking for was right, and I had to get really clear personally. On what I needed for myself. And the partner that I needed. For my life. Before I even knew what I was doing.

Beautifully done. Because here's what you. Did you exactly Figure out where am I at in the lifeline of my relationship and what are my core values? All of those things that you just described are your core values. They're how you want to spend your time, how you want to. Enjoy your one precious life. And it helps. Somebody asked me at a workshop recently. Do you believe in love at first sight? And I said, well, yes, I do. And it's a lot easier to find what you're looking for when you have an idea of what. That might look like. So, whereas people will. Be like I want everyone to like me. I want to be as neutral as possible, as sexually dynamic as possible, so that as many people as possible will like me.

And I'm like, oh, that is going to be great to increase your, you know, confidence and all that, but you don't actually need to date every single person you run into contact with. You're not obligated to go out with Them all. You're not obligated to have children and raise them and feed them and do their laundry and be buried next to every single person who thinks you're attractive. It's too much responsibility. One person can't do it all.

And people do feel this way, but that's not what you're looking for. Actually, looking to be specific about who is the right person for you so that you can identify them when you see them. And that's what makes this magic so easy. Because first, when you knew who you were. And I love that the adjectives that you chose when you're in a relationship, the way to up level, that is through communication, trust and repeated patterns of that earns that respect, that kind of transparency, that fiscal responsibility that you are saying. That desire to invite people in to entertain.

So that's your small, that's your inner circle. It doesn't even have to be small. But that's your inner circle, where people who are going to be important to you, and I hope people do determine an advisory Board and your Advisory Board is made up of the people in your inner circle whom you trust enough to reach out to and learn with and from and for and the categories. Our emotional support subject matter experts. Accountability partners and people who would leverage their success for yours, so you are inviting people into your life through entertaining and by traveling and experiencing different people.

Those are your core values. When your core values are aligned, it just makes everything else that much more fun when you're looking to partner with someone, putting those things in place first and knowing just a vague idea of whom you're looking for. As I said, it's easier to identify them.

Here's where it goes awry. You haven't met this person yet, or you've just started seeing one another and what's happening is called the Thatcher effect, and oftentimes people don't have the whole image of who this actual person is. And their core value is that of us, our brains. If I'm only showing you half of my face, your brain is literally trying to figure out what the other half would look like. And when I share my authenticity and my transparency of who I really am, you then can go, ah, I feel a little more secure. Because I know what this person is and whom to expect.

But when we present ourselves inaccurately and people do that to try and increase the glamor effect, it actually has the opposite result. Because then when you meet this person, they aren't who you thought they were? And that's very disappointing and discouraging. And then people will be blaming you and it's like, wait, what?

So, then you feel more disparaged like there's no hope and there's, you know, they weren't who I whom they said they were when in reality part of it is they weren't whom you fabricated in your mind. So, when you can present yourself authentically and genuinely, then when you get together, you actually are meeting the real person.

And let's face it, you can't hold up a false image of yourself for any length of time. You really want to be who you truly are and be loved for your authenticity. You want to be valued for who you have been in the past and whom you bring into the relationship, and if you're fabricating and I call it future casting, what might be? That's great for a moment of what could this relationship turn into and be like, but if you're fabricating the whole relationship then and not explaining that, then you're expecting the other person to read your mind. And that's not fair and I know very few people who can actually do it. And then what happens is they can't live up to your hopes and expectations. And everybody is disappointed.

So, when you have an idea, a realistic idea of whom you want to be with, and then you find them, it is that much more exciting to create a real authentic connection and relationship.

So beautifully said and summarized and put From Michelle Hoffmann, the art of relationship thing. A couple of books for you all to pick up a life worth living, new management blueprint. Find love. I wanted to get into all things, love, and relationships. I think we did that today. What do you think? At least we got a pretty good framework and a pretty good start on how to think about things a little bit differently other than just Swiping right or Swiping left.

Michelle, people are going to want to get in contact with you and they're Going to get together and figure this out with you. How do they get a hold of you?

The easiest way to get in touch with me is through the art of relationship.com theartofrelationshipthing.com. It's all one word. There are plenty of resources on that site. That is free. You can get links to my material, and you can also schedule a relationship strategy call with me, and you can. Just one click away and let's figure out how to find love.

Beautifully said, we are so grateful to have you on the show today. We will get all of this in the show notes for our guests so that they can have quick click access to your expert relationship. Thank you again, Michelle.

Thank you so much for having me. The real Tom Finn.

Well, thank you, my friends, for joining the Talent Empowerment podcast. I hope you transform your life by finding love, figuring out your core values, determining what part of the arc you're in relationships, and not falling for that shiny object out there.

Be real, my friends, and let's get back to people and culture together, we'll see you in the next episode.